Of the many things a human being can be called in their life, one I don’t hear quite enough as I should is ‘ass-sucker’. ‘Asshole’ can be too simple, you’re just what get shit out of. You expel shit. You contract to release it, you see. ‘Little shit’ is just playing off of ‘shit’ and making it more minuscule, which really doesn’t make shit better or worse. It doesn’t matter how big the dog shit you stepped in is, you still stepped in dog shit. ‘Ass sucker’ is a compound of these two things. You not only have to deal with that which releases shit, but the shit itself which might be there. This sort of term should not be used lightly, given these implications.
So, in this moment, I was being quite the ass-sucker.
I was stuck in a dark room, God knows where, my hands both cuffed loosely to the chair I was in. For now, I was rolling about a small vial in my hand. Whoever took me here was stupid to not check my personage before I woke up and they would fucking pay for it. It was an airborn toxin that, when released, would cause the most noxious manner of vomit you could imagine. Should there be any manner of food in your stomach, it would leave you, violently. Certainly it wouldn’t kill anyone, certainly, but I wouldn’t stand to let myself be taken advantage of by any organization without giving whatever bastard what dared to do the advantage taking getting a metaphorical boot to the balls/ovaries.
Of course, I had been drinking so heavily last night that my stomach was practically empty, so I had little to worry of.
A woman watched me with eyes that clearly wished to be looking at most other things but me and my smug grin. Long, thick brown hair, brownish completion, nice rack, all the things ass-suckers like me notice first. Behind this woman were two guards I didn’t care to learn the names or faces of, guns poised at me in case I acted out. They kept their eyes to the woman, waiting for an order to fire. To them she seemed to be someone that controlled through… Power? Fear? For the moment, I showed what little respect she was owed. After all, I didn’t see her eyes wander to my crotch since the first few moments she walked in, all eye contact since then. Eye contact that had lasted nearly thirty minutes… or five, like I give a fuck about what time it is.
“No smart comments yet?” She finally said, not budging an inch from where she stood. I gave off a small laugh at that.
“Glad to know my reputation proceeds me, but even a master doesn’t have a joke for every occasion.”
“Well, from my reading, you are the joke for every occasion. That would be the reputation.” Damn, one date in and she’s already cutting me down a peg, “Doctorate in Xenobiology and after that… Drunk and disorderly, disturbing the peace, owning an unlicensed firear-”
“Woah woah woah, it was licensed… Just not for me.”
“Nice try there, bud. Maybe try to lay on the smoother jokes when you’re not hungover and dealing with a woman who could crush your skull in her thighs.”
“Trust me, they never actually get smooth, hon. Love a taste of those thighs, though.”
“I’m really curious, just what were you doing in China for an entire year.”
“Sometimes a man has to… Get away, you know.”
“Alchemy is still illegal my international law, dipshit.”
“I’m sorry, the Yakuza are usually such a law abiding much. Must have caught them on an off day.”
“We know you got the seals to throw together some type of organic matter… Just be honest with us before we assume the worst.”
My hands went to run through my hair but were swiftly brought to a stop by the chains binding my wrists. I grumbled, leaning back into my chair. My index finger clicked against the cheap metal of the chair, “Artificial heart, that’s it. They needed someone who could both… Make the manner of magical organ they required and install it. That’s a very short list of people.”
“Not one you should fall on. You’re not a trained surgeon.”
“I dabble.” I said with a shrug, smirking in a rather confident way, “It’s like I’m smart or some shit.” I felt that usual feeling I grew while high-risk situations came up, where my already prickish behavior skyrocketed to pure overconfident bragging, “It isn’t like I don’t get training with some manner of surgery in my field. They don’t just send you off with a textbook study of monsters. Such a shame those Sentai motherfuckers don’t leave behind corpses.”
“I’m sorry, I thought you were supposed to be a doctor of Xenobiology. You do realize what happens to that shit when you leave even a scrap of them? They regrow, get bigger, reanimate, all that shit.” The woman snapped, “I see a fucking stain of flesh on the ground, I obliterate it.”
By now, the gears clicked into place and I was certain just where I was. My eyes gave a roll as I gripped onto the chair, “So its you assholes then.”
“Assholes? We’re the asshole’s here?” She walked closer to me at last, a fire burning in her eyes, “We’re trying to save the world, shitstain, so maybe you don’t call us the ones screwing things over. I look at you and I see a man who does nothing but his life but squander it… Waste it away finding new ways to make the papers or gain notoriety with the precious few in the darker corners of the world who are smart enough to know your real game…”
“You vague concept of ‘saving the world’ is a bit… Well, fucking stupid. Every time you guys dismantle a damned criminal organization, look at that, there’s another. Oops, better assemble a whole new team of inexperienced minors. How old were you when you were drafted into this kind of war?”
“Fifteen, so?”
“So? Are you telling me that the army of America would take a fifteen year old kid? Shit, name a country that would take a kid that young and trust me, those are the kinds of countries that you fuckers never go to. There’s wars going on in the world, famine, fucking… AIDS, I don’t know, but you guys spend your endless budget going after… What the name of those new guys, Candy Land?”
“Listen.” She had the most dismissive sort of tone with her words, eyes, body and balled up fist. I weakly raised up the vial, my eyes focused tight on her for fear that she might begin her assault,”My parents were fucking warriors, two people who work their hands to the bone to save this world… From the age I could walk, I trained my body in the art of combat because I knew I’d need to take my mother’s place. Don’t tell me my position here isn’t my choice. Don’t you dare tell me you know better than me because you don’t.”
“Is this your way of selling my on your fucking organization?”
“No, this might do better.” In a flash, my hand was pierced by a knife, pinning it into the metal. She grabbed the vial from the air as my grip released, sticking her tongue out and walking away. In a fit of rage, which did not come often, I pulled the knife from my hand and tossed it at the woman. She gave a slight turn and caught it from the air and gave it a little flourishing toss before pocketing it, “It’s funny how unpredictable you think you are.” She sneered, leaning against the wall, “You know what, fuck it.” In a bout of… let’s think it overconfidence, she smashed the vial of poison into the ground. A faint green mist began to fill the room and it only took moments for the guards to fall to their knees, losing any lunch they might have held otherwise. The woman looked me dead in the eyes, letting the sick fall from her mouth without flinching, without falling over. I wretched myself, knowing I had no immunity to this shit, empty stomach or not. A few drops of bile hit the ground, nothing more.
“Is it clear now that I ain’t no bitch to fuck with?” She said, walking to me and gripping onto my hair, “I’m not trying to be your enemy, but I have every right by every fucking government of the world. It isn’t just the alchemy we know about. The child abduction, several counts of murder, the incident on the USS Valorou-”
“Cunt!” A few more wretches as I fell forward slightly.
“You’re a weak man, in the end. We know how you work. Put a gun to your head and you’ll dance like a puppet, there is no reason that a man like you should be allowed free in the world.”
I sat up, shaking a little bit, “Excuse me… is fearing for my own death meant to be a weakness?! Fuck you!… I know what the fuck I am and I know that there isn’t a man on this world who can do the shit I do… And if there is, God help us. Despite what you all thing, I’m actually trying to help people. I’m trying to make this world better. But tools aren’t cheap… Keeping an orphan girl in an isolated location well fed and educated isn’t cheap. Privacy, is not cheap and I don’t give a shit what your morality says about it.”
“We are offering you all this… Payment, safety, privacy…”
“All I have to do is be your puppet then? Papa don’t dance, hon.”
“We know that papa, in fact, does dance.” She leaned down, inspecting the wound on my hand, “It’s a little weird that you have such a high pain threshold, but throwing up stumps you…”
“I… I really don’t like throwing up while sober.”
“What’s it gonna be, Max?”
“Is there really a choice?”
“You know there is, its how you take this that makes it a choice.”
“I’m not taking any…. Dumbass oaths or that shit.”
“… I just want to know if you actually want to help people or if you’re full of shit.”